Surviving Sofa-dom

An example of a Sofa-dom habitat

Sofa-dom is not a nice place to be, especially so for a long period of time.

Illness and (in my case) injury can often result in spending significant time in sofa-dom, and one must learn to deal with situations and emotions previously absent from one’s; life. Here is documented some of those predicaments, coupled with proven survival tips and techniques to utilise during one’s stay in Sofa-dom. Enjoy.

so·fa n. A long upholstered seat typically with a back and arms.
sofa·dom n. A political or territorial unit ruled by a sofa.

Positive Mental Attitude

Smile I consider myself a generally care-free person, who enjoys taking things easy and avoids stress. I’d say I am content at least 95% of the time.

However, take even the happiest fucker in the world and subject them to a prolonged period in Sofa-dom, and they’ll quickly start to go a bit mental. Negative emotions will be close to the surface, eager to make themselves known. I’ve been spilling drinks, smashing glasses, dropping bowls of cereal and finding myself subsequently close to tears at times. What a pussy.

A Positive Mental Attitude therefore, can be hard to come by sometimes, but if found can help immeasurably. I hope that any of you reading this will never have to go to Sofa-dom, but if you do here’s some hot hints that should help you get your PMA back, subsequently saving you from any homicidal/suicidal action.

Learn a language

Get yourself some old school language tapes

There are times when even the best music just starts to sound like persistent noise, so you’ll need some silence for a while. However during these silences time passes as slow as a sloth. You start to realise your level of boredom, and this is dangerous.

Doing something as simple as learning a language will stave off boredom, fill the silence gap nicely, and to be frank: it’s fucking useful. Everyone always talks about wishing they could speak another language fluently, and Sofa-dom is the perfect place to exploit this.

Buy stuff

I’m quite a superficial person, so this may not apply to everyone, but I love stuff. CDs, books, films, bike parts, computer games and comic books have all been purchased in numbers during my own time in Sofa-dom. They make me feel better, and if you go the eBay route, you get a free dose of excitement as well (as long as you make sure you win - eBay-rage won’t help anyone).

A good tip is to buy things to use when you're in Sofa-dom to keep you occupied, but also buy things that you can’t use yet (such as my bike parts). These will keep you focused on the future, when you’re in better health, and will increase your hopes for a speedy recovery.

Music

You’re going to be spending a lot of time sitting on your ass, and if you’re into music you’re going to need a shitload of it because you’ll be listening to it most of the time. Call up your mates (even the ones with shite taste) and get them to bring you round all the bands they’re currently into, Google around for music news/reviews sites and grab all the RSS feeds, get on iPlayer and catch up with your favourite radio shows. Dig into your iTunes archives and find the bands you never really got into and probably should have, then get onto Amazon and buy their entire discography. This is such an important factor to happiness and must not be underestimated.

I’m blazing through loads of music, and I’m happily catching up on some great stuff (some pictured), but I still need more. Please help dear reader; recommend me something new!

  • American Steel - Destory their Future
  • Gatorface - Sick and Stupid
  • Ladyhawk - Shots
  • Fucked Up - Year of the Rat
  • Doves - Lost Souls
  • The Maccabees - Wall of Arms
  • The Kinks - Lola versus Powerman and the Moneygoround, Part One
  • British Sea Power - Do You Like Rock Music?
  • The Replacements - Let It Be
  • Strung Out - An American Paradox
  • The Flatliners/The Snips split EP
  • Tapes 'n Tapes - Walk It Off
  • Muse - Black Holes and Revelations
  • Beck - Modern Guilt
  • Dinosaur Jr - Farm

* Interestingly, the all-over goosebump shivers I used to get when I heard a really awesome hook or melody now only occur in my (broken) leg, but with increased intensity and regularity. Especially prevalent through The Seldom Seen Kid & Kingdom of Rust.

Film marathons

In Sofa-dom, there’s little opportunity to go out, especially with friends as hedonistic as mine. Despite wanting to join such mates on such outings, it’s just not practical, so inevitably you’ve got a considerable number of nights in to fill. Film marathons are undoubtably the best way to do this – 7 or 8 hours of loud, widescreen action punctuated with Maltesers, ice cream and toilet breaks is actually a good night in.

The trick is to go with action or thriller-based films so you don’t fall asleep, and find films with some depth or humour. So far the most succesful marathons I’ve had are the Bourne trilogy and a Coen Brothers run. The obvious choice of Lord of the Rings was far too adventurous, and I didn’t make it through the second film, let alone the third.

Shoulder bag

A shoulder bag (modelled beautifully by Kirsty) will make you happy. Mostly relevant for those using crutches, this bag will be your saviour. It will carry everything for you, including (in order of importance):

  • Laptop
  • Bag of mandarins
  • CDs you’re currently into
  • Mobile phone
  • Bottle of water
  • Men at Arms - Terry Pratchett
  • Shitloads of painkillers
  • Flask of Earl Grey
  • Nintendo DS + Grand Theft Auto
  • Bumper book of Sudoku puzzles
  • Family Guy Season 1 DVDs
  • Scottish shortcake biscuits
  • The Sunday times

This bag will be your best friend, and you’ll rely on it more than anything.

Sunshine

Make the most of the sun. I’ve spent quite a few beautiful days sat gloomily on the sofa, glaring enviously at anyone outside who looked to be enjoying the weather. This is not a good state of mind to be in.

The best thing to do it to get outside, eat your lunch in the sun, go for a walk/crutch around. I’ve even taken to going outside for a piss in a bush on nice days - any excuse to get some sun will make you feel better.

  • In the sun on a river
  • In the sun at a beach
  • In the sun with a hangover
  • In the sun when it's dying
  • In the sun with animals
  • In the sun by the sea
  • In the sun in a tent
  • In the sun drinking beers
  • In the sun on an island
  • In the sun playing cricket
  • In the sun under the sea
  • In the sun on an open road
  • In the sun in harbour
  • In the sun in a ditch
  • In the sun on a ferry
  • In the sun being serenaded
  • In the sun on a hill
  • In the sun in the north